“For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it” (Rom 7:18-20 NIV).
My past has been filled with experiences, some good, and some that no one should really have to go through. The details are not really that important, and I can assure you that the majority of people who will ever read this will have had some bad, even traumatic experiences in their life, be it in their past, their present or their future. What we can never truly know is how another person’s experiences have affected them, just as we can never really know what their experience was like. We all have our own story.
This is mine:
It is a story of redemption, traversing the precipice, fighting the flames and making it out of the furnace with the help of the Saviour. This is the story that needs to be detailed. This is the story that is filled with hope, love and faith.
How did I get to this place of hope, love and faith? I do not think I can describe it any better than the Apostle Paul when he said:
“ For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places” (Eph 6:12 KJV).
Yes, I thought I was wrestling against flesh and blood, but what I did not realise was that it went much deeper than that. At the source, it was the wickedness perpetrated against a young boy, the darkness of trauma, the evilness of addiction, hedonism, illness and the powers that I was unable to contend with on my own.
I remember it vividly. I was a baby in another country, far from any maternal comfort except for a sister not much older than me. I was a young boy released and reconciled, but traumatised by an evilness that should have been my protector. I was abducted by a deranged individual along with my sister, but we managed to escape with the help of the welfare services and a loving, brave mother. I grew up in places frequented by junkies and prostitutes, “whom you hang out with is who you become.” I spent much of my teenage years inebriated, in the underbelly of Hillbrow and the Johannesburg nightlife. Arrested, beaten, and an overdose that almost took my life. I was conscripted into the defence force, which was a haven for immorality and the very worst this country had to offer. I rebelled against conformity, I grew my hair long, I wore leather, and I inked my skin whenever I could afford it.
I became an adult, still imbibing, who never knew how to cope with the perpetual dark cloud that followed me through my relationships that fell one by one. I became self-destructive and sought out relationships that would facilitate that destruction. Twice, I failed at marriage, losing a daughter to the part-time dad society along the way.
I did not care for those who claimed to know the way, the truth and the life. To me, they were ill-informed, gullible and delusional.
Eventually, something started to feel wrong to me. I tried to change. I managed to escape some of my habits, becoming successful in my career, but there was still an underlying darkness. I met and married a wonderful, Godly woman. I became a full-time dad. My wife did a lot to rebuild my trust in humanity; she, too, had gone through traumatic, life-altering experiences, yet continues to have unwavering faith. It was, however, her God I ignored. I believed if He existed, He would not care for the likes of me. This just seemed to have been confirmed with a diagnosis of cancer that brought an ever darker cloud over me. I became insufferable to those closest to me.
Even though I knew I had to change, I could not change that part of me which was still intent on destroying my relationships. My marriage came to a cliff many times. I reluctantly attended church with my wife once or twice, but it was not for me. I felt no connection to anything supernatural. I left her to go to church on her own. My ploy was to rebut any arguments of God, Christianity, Jesus or the Bible. I preferred to remain on the darker side of life.
But the Lord does not give up on his lost sheep. One day (I strongly believe), He left the ninety-nine and came looking for me. For some reason (which eventually became apparent), I went with my wife to a Church service. This time, I did not resist. It was on this day that the band played a song. I knew nothing about worship music; it seemed almost juvenile to me. I would never have dreamed of singing along to any of the songs, even if I had known the words. Hands in the air? That would have just been embarrassing. The song happened to be called “Waymaker.” It was during this song that I was hearing for the first time when my life changed. The tears just started to fall from my eyes, and I remembered thinking, “This is the truth” I had no idea what had just happened to me. Now I know it was the Holy Spirit, but then I never even knew what or who exactly the Holy Spirit was.
And so began my journey. It is in no way an easy journey. I rudely found out just how much the enemy does not want you to become a Christian. But what makes the difference is that I now have light against the darkness on my side. There is still that evilness that tries to attack me on occasion. At the moment, it is through ill health, pain and discomfort. But even though this time in my life has turned out to be my most challenging time of all, as a man of faith, a Godly husband and father, I now have the full armour of God. I also have joy and peace, and, of course, I have hope, I have love, and I have faith. I eventually found out what it actually means to be a man.
I would love to share with whoever will listen how Jesus has always been with me in the fire, and that he, too, can be your fourth in the furnace. So please join me on this journey, but do not worry, we will not be alone, the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit will be travelling with us.
And even if you do not believe, you are still welcome.
“Then King Nebuchadnezzar was astonished; and he rose in haste and spoke, saying to his counsellors, ‘Did we not cast three men bound into the midst of the fire?’ They answered and said to the king, ‘True, O king.’
‘Look!’ he answered, ‘I see four men loose, walking in the midst of the fire; and they are not hurt, and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God’” (Dan 3:24-25 NKJV).
